Too Late For Regrets...

April 2, 1992
I can't believe it...it really happened. We DID IT!!!!! YES...it!!!! Not sure how I feel, but I know I love him and we were meant to be. Wow...my first time. So happy...

April 2, 2010
Ask me if the guy and I are still together. Go ahead...ask me. Better yet ask me how long we stayed together after that entry. I'm sure you all know the answer. That was a piece of my journal entry from high school. I read it every so often to see how far I've come, but then again...it's a little depressing. My younger self was so in need of love. "She" mistook the small amount attention from a boy that was lost himself and convinced herself she was in love...and even more so she believed he loved her. We talked on the phone every day, he walked me to class, we held hands, and he was SOOOOO good looking! Pretty much the highest of standards in high school, right? Plus he was popular, but he also had a bad temper, was a little jealous and quite possessive of my time. I overlooked it because I really did have deep feelings for him. Our break up was ugly...I mean real ugly. He was with a new girl a day later and I was stuck crying into my pillow for months...if I'm honest with myself I will admit that I carried hurt feelings all through high school. I had to see him with a new girlfriend and I was stuck hurting. Of course I dated other guys, but no one ever was able to replace "My First" in my heart. So what is my lesson in all this? Am I going to tell you to wait until you are married? I would never tell you that, but I do wish someone would have explained to me that while my body may be feeling certain things, my heart was not ready for what happens once you become intimate with someone. No one told me to think about the way I would feel once we broke up. No one told me that one day there would be someone that I wished I would have saved myself for. Do I regret that day? Hmmm...regret is a strong word. To this day I still say that in my own little high school way I really did love him (as much as I could at that time) so I don't know if I regret it or not. Do I wish it would have turned out differently? Yes! Hell Yes! Not to say I wish we could have stayed together...we were never right for each other, but I do wish I would have waited until I was a little more mature to handle all the emotions. Strangely enough we thought it would be a good idea to get back together freshman year in college...EPIC FAIL!!!!! It's all good though...I met my husband sophomore year and "My First" has since stopped dating Black girls. Hmmm...we are so not going there...